As I sit here now, at my desk, wondering how to begin this post about my most recently acquired item, the item itself sits on my lap, my arms around it in an emotion that can only be described as adoration. A few days ago my mum brought home a soft toy monkey, yet it wasn’t just any stuffed animal, it had a little wheatie bag in its stomach that you could take out, warm up and replace, making this toy the cuddliest, cutest most squee inducing thing I have ever come across, (that wasn’t breathing of course). And when I found out that this little squishy thing wasn’t for me, I had to, with inescapable compulsion, buy one for myself.
I call him Monkey, and he keeps me warm on these cold autumn nights…eh hem, so move over imaginary boyfriend…(but, seriously, if there are any Northern New South Welshmen out there reading this who would like to replace Monkey, I like action/adventure movies, Thai food, trivia nights and rambling incoherently on the Internet. Message me. *wink*) But, seriously, again, I’d like to fail at meeting people the ‘normal’ way before resorting to failing virtually, namely with online dating. Cue segue…Yes, I have already browsed RSVP, but the idea of actually creating a profile makes me squirm like a neurotic, panicky worm. Another contributing factor to my aversion, being my mum looking at the profiles and already matching me up. Calm down, woman, I’m not even on there! Just writing this makes me want to hug monkey and hide under my pink and blue, puppy dressing gown. Yes, I’m 21 years old, but don’t rush me. It took me two years longer than everyone else to learn how to ride a bike and drive a car and I figure it will take me just as long to get used to this concept. Especially the notion of summarizing your whole personality in one little log line.
I’ve thought about this. I consider myself a writer, yet cannot for the life of me come up with a sentence that best showcases what a strange (yet, endearing) little person I am. What works best? Something humorous or sincere? The absolute truth or something more mysterious? I know that humorous doesn’t really work for me. Thinking I’m funny enough to do that, I feel, would be a great act of narcissism on my part, and trying to be funny always ends up lame. Sincerity on the internet is daunting as hell, the absolute truth may be disturbing and I can’t be mysterious whilst keeping a straight face, in this case a virtual straight face….I know a favourite one of people’s is ‘I’m not really good at this…lol’. I think I would steer clear of such dull expressions and definitely incorrect spelling. ‘RU lking 4 fun? Cuz I m awsum…’ Oh, and rhyming, and puns and lines from Police songs, ‘Cause every little thing she does it magic’. Puh-lease.
Perhaps I’ve thought about it too much. I mean it’s a dating profile not a University essay about finding relationships in a post-modernist era, critiquing the idea of the essential self…And who am I kidding, it’s all about the profile picture anyways. Yet, I have enough trouble picking a photo for my Facebook profile, let alone for this. At least I know I won’t choose one with the edge of my face missing because I cut out an ex-partner (I don’t have any of those, but on other people’s profiles that shit is awkward).
Actually, I do know of a picture that would definitely send hearts all a flutter…
Aww…Did I mention he also smells like lavender? What a catch.
Disclaimer: This post does not endorse bestiality or objectophilia, so you can stop looking at me that way…
And, no, mum, I am not considering creating an RSVP profile. There’s enough crazy on the net without me adding to it. (Not including this blog of course…’What were you thinking?’)