Home Alone. Remember that movie? Of course you do, you weren’t born yesterday. Or maybe you don’t. My references have become less and less relevant these days, so …
What I’m really getting at is, for me, being home alone isn’t filled with the delightful prospect of something interesting happening, like defending my house from the humorous attempts of clumsy burglars with my sheer wit and outrageously complicated home security contraptions … no, in fact I’m more likely to lie awake at night thinking that any strange sound, any dog barking defensively means that a burglar is going to come kill me, rather than be foiled by a slippery driveway, so … let’s just say that five days in the gloriousness of my own company isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Being home alone, I find, is more likely to resemble ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ than a family friendly comedy. Mind you, I’m ashamed to admit, I haven’t actually seen this Jack Nicholson classic, yet merely want to draw attention to the fact that it deals with mental people. And myself alone definitely fits into this category.
I mean what can you say when your logical inner self protests ‘don’t leave me alone with her. Bitch be crazy. She talks to me way too much’? I guess you’d say, ‘why are there two people in your head? Are you some sort of schizo?’ – and I’d say – ‘no, and please have some empathy for actual schizophrenics’ … Are you lost yet? I’ve kind of lost myself so, let’s tactfully and subtly change the subject to the best invention ever made for your keyring. Because I’m just that excited that I found it. I feel like my set of keys and I are now ready to take on the world. Get this, I now am the proud owner of a nail clipper, a nail file and a bottle opener all in one. You heard me. Now I can get drunk and if I brake a nail, yep, I can fix that too. Amazing. My life is complete.
Oh, and I just submitted my last uni assignment for the year. Things just keep getting better and better. Five months of holidays await me, and you know what that means. Yes, a higher frequency of posts that are basically written for my own amusement. I hope you can share in the strange.
Also, with all this spare time on my hands I’ve decided to post a few of my short stories on here. So, look out for those and be kind, otherwise I may have to do what my creative writing teacher does to anyone who doesn’t like her work – I may never speak to you again. (She’s just a little bit intense though. I thought her head was about to explode when she saw someone use the adverb ‘quickly’ in their short story – I wasn’t aware that this was something punishable by writing death – but apparently so … This being said I will be uber aware not to include ‘quickly’ in any of my stories, or begin any of them in bed, as that is also a serious offense in the court of writing law. Offenders be damned to the prison of writing shame, because you just don’t do such a thing. YOU JUST DON’T DO IT!) Anyways, eh hem, yes, uh, watch this space.