Once again we come to an impasse. Which way forward? We thought we were making strides in the right direction, yet now we lie motionless and stagnant. We cusped the brink and did not make it all the way over. We don’t know what is wrong, or if anything is right. All we know is time and how it slips away from us. We’re old and wondering why we didn’t make the most of it. And we feel anxious when we’re alone with our thoughts. There’s no comfort there. And we wondered why people have to suffer, and why we suffer in the most trivial of ways. And we wonder why we can’t sleep at night and are tired during the day. We wonder why the rain makes us sad. Why wet clothes on a clothes line are so unforgivable, when the days roll by and they still hang there, all limp and melancholy like.
And I’m lacking in inspiration, and the angels offer no solace. They tell me it will all be over soon, that I’ll some how emerge with the answers. I already know too much. It’s all too loud for me to find any peace around here. I am the center of all my greatest misfortunes, even my small ones. I tell myself to be grateful every day, yet it doesn’t change anything. I tell myself everything under the sun and it all remains the same.
When you’re trapped inside your young self but your body continues to age… The world expects one thing from you, but you can only offer what you have. You’re uncertain about most things, stuck fast about others. You’re sure about the here and now – it’s the future that daunts you. And perhaps you’ve thought that if you weren’t so busy thinking about the future, you would have taken advantage of the here and now. And perhaps you’ve thought that the here and now was once your younger self’s future, yet you’ve forgotten your past expectations. And it’s all meaningless, anyhow. Because you thought you’d be different, but you’re still the same. You imagined yourself a different, future version of yourself, but you’re still the same. And it’s not that you don’t like you. You like you just fine. You couldn’t imagine not being you. You just thought that you would be ‘full potential’ you, and not ‘anxious – living in the future’ you.
It’s all fine, in the end. Things happen and then you die. You didn’t do anything wrong. What’s to say what’s right and wrong. The only problem was that you tried to live by those rules. You thought the world saw you as one thing, but you were really another. But the world didn’t see you that way. You were mistaken to think that the world was looking at all. Then you feel mighty foolish that you tried to live your life to a set of standards that were never in place. Only you disappointed you. You made promises with yourself, and you broke them. Some you kept, and those that you did made you feel proud and accomplishing. Those you didn’t, well, they left you sitting at your laptop on a rainy day, wondering why you couldn’t keep them, and not doing anything about it.
Don’t worry about it.
Just listen to The Carpenters, get it out of your system, put it down to a rainy Monday, and move on.