Survival Guide 101

I am failing as a caretaker.

And when I say caretaker, I mean gatherer and collector of wood and kindling for the fireplace – as a nice toasty fire is the most caring thing you can provide to a cold and dreary house.

Kindling is easy. Large bits of wood – fine. I don’t have to put much effort into sourcing those. Medium sized branches, however, are giving me the shits. They won’t succumb to my knee brake of steel, or my foot stamp of death. I have an axe to grind with medium sized branches.

No, literally, I have an axe to grind.

I found it in the shed.

It’s blunt as anything.

As I was hacking away at one gnarly piece of wood I thought to myself, ‘this axe is too blunt.’ And then continued to think, ‘dear Liza, dear Liza’.

‘Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry…’

With what? Yadda, yadda, yadda.

‘With a stone’.

Teach me to take advice from some daft childhood song. Who fixes a bucket with straw anyways? How does that work?

It doesn’t and neither does a stone in sharpening an axe, unless, I’m guessing, you invest a couple of hours.

I wasn’t about to do that. Ten minutes into using the axe and the skin was peeling off my hand.

What a sook. Well, that was the extent of my efforts.

It was probably for the best. Too long with an axe in my hand and I was having strange thoughts like ‘If I could hardly make a dent in the wood, then this would be fairly useless hacking through bone…’

I don’t know why, but I have a strange compulsion to make mental notes of things that would be useful in survival situations. Not ordinary ‘lost in the woods’ situations, more like the world is ending, zombie apocalypse kind of situations. Because if that axe isn’t sharp enough to crack some crazy ass zombie skull, then it best not weigh me down.

I also find myself canvassing my university car park, trying to decide the best get away vehicle for said apocalypse. Like, do I go for something fuel efficient, small and quiet, to limit dangerous stops for petrol, squeeze past road blocks and not draw attention to myself? Or do I go for an off road vehicle that could get me out of more sticky situations, one with a massive bull bar for plowing down those pesky zombies? Or do I just go for that expensive Mercedes Benz, because, hey, the world is ending, and if I’m going to die it might as well be in executive comfort and living out the dream, you know?

There’s also the question of where you would drive to. Do I go inland, where there’s a lesser population, or I do make a move for the sea, where I might be able to find a boat and some remote, self sufficient island in the Pacific? Or, you know, maybe Nimbin, because organically fed zombies on a pot high might be mellower?

Think about it.

Are you prepared for the end?

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3 thoughts on “Survival Guide 101

  1. 00doggerel says:

    I bet the stoned zombies from Nimbin would be easier to chisel with a dull axe.
    I too have spent time wondering how I’d handle a zombie apocalypse, I’m definitely not going for the Mercedes, but I’d consider an Escalade. Showy yet somewhat practical. Although the mpg wouldn’t do me too many favors.
    Ive always thought that It’s funny how easily our brains can slip into that survival mode kind of thinking. Must be thanks to a primitive part of our brains at work in there somewhere. Too bad my survival instinct can’t even keep me from drinking too much tequila on Saturday nights. But hopefully it’ll come in handy should the undead come calling.
    Fantastic writing as always. You’ve got awesome delivery and are consistently hilarious. Great stuff

    • abbeyh91 says:

      Thank you so much. I’m not sure about my primitive brain as much as how many episodes of The Walking Dead I’ve been watching. Now it’s Under the Dome and what I would do if some crazy person locked me in a fallout shelter…

      • 00doggerel says:

        Under the Dome is so good! Have you read the book? The show doesn’t follow it completely and I hear the ending will be different so it won’t spoil the show if you haven’t. I fell off with the walking dead during season 2. The pace got too slow and Lori’s ceaseless whining and idiocy made every episode she lived through a disappointment. I hear season 3 is pretty good so I might give the show another chance. Looking forward to your next blog!

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